Night Dread

Two consecutive nights last week, Liam woke us crying in the night.

The first time, my dad was here as a one-night guest while passing through on a business trip. Damian and I had already stayed up far past our usual bedtime praying with him, and bed sounded very welcome at 11pm. Before I could settle myself for sleep, however, Liam began screaming. (Everything Liam does, he does with passion, and crying is no exception.) I finally ascertained from him that his neck hurt, and so I laid hands on it and prayed. He settled right back to sleep, but five minutes later he was screaming again. This time he said it was his left ear. I prayed again, rebuking this thing in the name of Jesus and asking for comfort and healing.

I had just dozed off when the screaming began again. This time I made our head of house get up and come with me. Liam was somewhat hysterical, and we had to work to get him calmed down before we could understand what he was saying. We finally sorted it out: "I asked Him to heal it," Liam wailed, "and He didn't do it!" The poor little guy was caught where we all are with regard to our health. We know He can heal; we are sure He intends to do it; but we don't see it manifest yet. Deep down, as Oswald Chambers says, we are all afraid "that our Lord will be bested" -- that this thing will turn out to be too big even for Him.

That night I was up until 1am with Liam. Each time I made it back to bed and just fell into sleep, the screaming would begin again. Damian laid hands on Liam and prayed for him several times, once anointing him with oil. But after a while Damian fell soundly asleep (his ability to tune out the nighttime wailing has improved with over four years' practice) and I was left to fend off delirious rantings:

"Momo, I just can't wait until morning to go see Grampa Bug!"
"Liam, it is the middle of the night. Everyone is sleeping, including Grampa."
"Well, then I think I just need to take a break!!"
"A break from what, Liam?"
"I don't know!!!"

I did. He wanted a break from the pain, from being exhausted and awake, bored and frustrated. From the night.

He was fine the next day. In fact, he and Parker played together beautifully, despite any fatigue from the disruption of the night before. It was when it started again the next night that I realized something...

I fear the night.

I don't think about it on a conscious level, but somehow I dread the potential the night has to toss me about on billows instead of cradling me in a haven. In the night, as I have written before, somehow molehills that are not even visible in the day just shoot up into mountains.

I don't usually have periods of insomnia, although it has been known to happen. My most recent and longest standing issue is that my body chooses the night to start dumping toxic waste into my blader. I lay myself down to slumber, and no matter how tired I am, no matter how quickly or slowly sleep comes, just as I doze off I am jerked awake by the need to empty the bladder -- never mind that I already made sure it was done properly before I got into bed.

I lie back down and doze off, and again my body insists on a trip to the bathroom. I am likely to go through a couple more rounds before I finally get to sleep. It is as if there is a control issue somewhere, and when I begin to relax my grip on things to let sleep take me, I can't -- or finally don't -- hold back, and there is (whoosh!) a big system dump.

(I hear you telling me not to drink after dinner. It's just not quite that simple.)

It goes on the rest of the night, too. Most nights, I will have to wake up and make a bathroom trip at least once before the night is over. A naturopath would have a heyday with me. It is apparent that there are bodily systems that are not getting fully supported. Waking you up in the night to urinate is one of your body's ways of of shouting for help, didn't you know.

I refuse to keep a clock where I can see it in my bedroom, because I tend to be ruled by the clock. As Damian says, "I have to know how much sleep I get so I know how I should be feeling in the morning. I might be mistakenly perky!" The clock also encourages me to analyze my body clock. Not until the second night, when the screaming started promptly at 11pm, did I realize this is Liam's gallbladder meridian. From what I could tell, he was complaining of something like a shooting pain in his external ear. From the point of view of natural medicine, a weakness in his gallbladder was likely causing an energy imbalance in the body, which by strange cause and effect was triggering the ear pain.

It is not surprising. More corroborative evidence for gallbladder trouble, of which Liam has a history. So when Damian was praying for Liam's ear, I was mentally praying for his gallbladder. But the bottom line is that I don't think it does any good for me to know that Liam's gallbladder is probably weak, or that I am or am not waking up during the liver meridian every night. It is all one and the same: I am helpless, and I need an answer. I have a Great Physician who has an answer for me. So I come to Him with my symptoms, and I leave the treatment in His hands. And yes, Liam, sometimes there is waiting involved. As I said to a friend the other day, the waiting in the dark is the training.

I suspect -- no, I know -- the fact that I am unable to cast myself into sound sleep for a full, restful night is a heart issue, not a bodily issue. When I have had my mountaintop experiences and tasted full surrender to the Lord, I remember literally casting myself upon Him as I went to sleep, the way a tired child would curl up in his father's arms to shut out the world. And my slumber was always complete. But we are given that vision on the mountain and then expected to descend into the valley and live it out.

In so doing, we find rocks and stubble that make the going bumpy. I don't have to look at a rock and analyze just how it got placed right there, or how deep it might run into the earth, or what tools might be needed to get it out, or how I might make a workaround. That rock is just an indication that no fruit-bearing plants can grow here until some divine blasting is initiated by the Holy Ghost. A rock in my gallbaldder, a rock in my soul... it is all the same territory to Him. Yet He commands that I up and take the hill country (He will drive out the enemies, but we have to go up to battle) and turn it into a fruitful dwelling place. He gives us the view of the mountain that, like Caleb, we might take it for our own.

Now that I understand that I tend to fear what the night will bring, I have started saying with David, "I will bless the Lord, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night season. [Ps. 16.7]" I had never understood that verse until this context, but now I understand that I have an appointment with God in sleep, because there He can do things with my heart He cannot do when I am awake -- and the Spirit within me, my reins, is instructing my very body in the night seasons, no matter how it may look like I am entirely going to pot. I have a hope that extends even to my flesh. [v. 9]"

So, Lord, I commit myself to You. I cast myself upon You afresh for the governing of my body, soul, and spirit. Thank You that You constantly maintain the lot that You have chosen for me. No matter how it looks to me, I have health flowing as a fountain from its source in the Sun of righteousness; and no matter what may contrive to interrupt my night of healing sleep, You give rest and grace sufficient for all tomorrow's trials. I confess my fear and doubt, and thank You that You both require faith from me and undertake to provide it for me. I will fall asleep in Your hands tonight.

"And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony. [Re. 12.11]"

Reality Defined at Calvary

Last night I was very tired. I think I could have gone to bed at 8:00 and fallen asleep immediately. When I made it there a little after 9:00, I could not sleep. The cough that came out of nowhere a couple of weeks ago and has hung around, sporadic but determined, suddenly turned juicy and asthmatic. I was lying there enduring, listening to Scripture on my iPod, until I finally got fed up and got up.

At night I frequently get hit with weird symptoms that don't trouble me during the day. Last night it came to me that they are quite literally attacks. I feel like the enemy is trying to get me to fall for reality as he defines it, not as it was defined by God at Calvary. I mean, you can reason all you want about how it would be normal for the body to suppress certain things during the day and then have to deal with them at night. But some things just don't add up. Acne will appear one day and disappear the next, then reappear on the third. I've been having trouble with foot odor, a classic sign my body is dealing with something. But in the mornings my tongue is a healthy pink, a clear indication that my body is clean and detoxed.

When you take a stand for health, as I did in my last post, and claim that "the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe" (Eph. 1.19) is sufficient for my physical body... When you determine to walk by faith, not by sight... Then the enemy inevitably comes to you and says, "Well, you're banking all on something supernatural, something that just can't be. This is reality, what you see around you, and I control it."

The enemy is wily. He comes at us with the very thing that is calculated to distract us from keeping our eyes turned upon the One who is the Answer to everything. The very thing that makes walking by faith and not by sight so difficult for me, personally.

There is a phrase we use in our family, "standing against" something. I have been standing against this cough for two weeks. Sometimes I get so lost in a sea of symptoms that I forget what it means to stand and have to remind myself. I think it means to go on as if the thing were not there. This means taking Christ as your strength. It means cheerfully going on with the daily tasks, without deigning to acknowledge your symptom by so much as a complaint. I'm not advocating an all-in-your-head form of denial, à la Christian Science. I'm saying there is overcoming power, and it is obedience for me to avail myself of it.

Somebody, probably Oswald Chambers, says that God can do a lot with us in sleep because we are not consciously at war with Him. At our house, we look upon sleep as a divine appointment with God. I think that is one reason that these symptoms flare up in the night, for both me and Damian. The enemy would very much like to keep us from that appointment.

So last night I tried to just ignore my symptoms and go to sleep. After a while, it became apparent that something stronger was needed. I have been learning that the key to an overcoming life for me is praise - vocal and sonant thanksgiving. When you are feeling tired, dejected, or sick, the hardest thing in the world to do is open your mouth and speak or sing praise aloud. But it dispels the funk every time, if only for those few measures of speech.

My mom would have a "praise fest," where she gets her autoharp out and sings - or maybe shouts - praises to the Lord. I feel a little inhibited by the fact that I live in a town home with neighbors on both sides... especially at night. So instead of singing, I remembered that "the Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends" (Job 42.10) and I got on my knees. I started at A and prayed for everyone I could think of whose name began with each letter of the alphabet. The cough calmed immediately. I made it to G before I got very sleepy and went to bed. (If your name begins with one of those letters, I hope I prayed for you. But I keep remembering other people: "Oh, Andy starts with A... and I forgot Dotti when I was on D...")

I'm sticking with the Reality I see in the Scriptures, however things may appear.

Lift Jesus higher
Lift Jesus higher
Lift Him up for the world to see
He said, "If I be lifted up from the earth
I will draw all men unto Me"

This healing's mine
This healing's mine
It is mine, though I cannot see
He said, "I am the Lord that healeth thee, O my child
I am the Lord that healeth thee"

This healing's mine
This healing's mine
It is mine, though I cannot see
By His wounds I am healed, 1 Peter 2.24
It is written, it is sure, it is for me

This healing's mine
This healing's mine
It is mine, though I cannot see
The Sun of Righteousness arose with my healing in His wings
And my foes I shall tread under my feet

This healing's mine
This healing's mine
It is mine, though I cannot see
I dance and sing, shout and rejoice, for the power of His Voice
For the Lord has turned my captivity

I've come for bread
I've come for bread
It's the children's bread I need
It pleases You for me to come
Of Your Word this is the sum
I am here for bread, O Lord, feed me

A Stand for Health

I once thoroughly exhausted the allopathic medical world in a futile search for a cure for my symptoms. Then I discovered naturopathy and completely changed tactics. I tried a holistic approach, used herbal and homeopathic remedies, and ate a varied, healthful, and entirely natural diet made from scratch. I became wise in the lore of nature's medicine.

There is no question that I and the rest of my family made progress with our health concerns - slow progress at first, and then picking up to a cruising speed. Natural medicine has the mainstream medical world beat, hands down. It is a higher wisdom. For those who are willing to see it as simply a different kind of science, it has many amazing tools to offer. Not a single one is a magic bullet, but used together, they can get you quite far indeed along the road toward that elusive goal called "health."

But somewhere along the line, I began to look at things a little differently. I said I was wise in natural lore. Prov. 3.7 tells me to "be not wise in thine own eyes." Those of us who have been disillusioned by allopathy see how readily and completely most of the Western world reveres the medical field beyond all logic. Through a long, eye-opening process, I began to see that I was in danger of making a God of naturopathy.

There are those who claim that God gave us brains, and He expects us to use them to avail ourselves of all the tools of health which He has also provided for us in nature. It sounds good. I certainly bought into the idea. But lately the Holy Spirit has been bringing to light Scriptures which cut right across that theory.

The last time I went to the iridologist, she told me I was perfectly healthy. From here, we were just "being picky." But I know with certainty that this unprecedented level of health came from finally beginning to let go of the idea of the kind of health I think I need to have and learning to just be a sheep under the Shepherd's care. The doctor herself admitted that there was nothing in anything she had suggested or I had done that could account for such a dramatic change. Healing had taken place in the only way true healing can: from the inside out, from the spirit to the body.

I can thoroughly identify with the woman in Luke 8.43-4 who spent her life's savings on doctors. I had tried every resource, when what I really needed - what anyone needs - is to lay hold of the One with power to heal. The more I go on with Him and in His Word, the more reaching for answers anywhere else seems preposterous. Before, I ran around to every intelligent source I could find, incorporated their wisdom into my arsenal, and asked the Lord to bless this tool to my use. I was willing to expend most of my energy just to maintain a good, but not perfect, state of health. Now...

Now, I find myself unable to settle for anything that is less than what He, the Master Healer, the Great Physician, can give me. And to obtain that, I must leave all other answers, all halfway and three-quarter measures, behind me. "Who is among you that feareth the Lord," Isaiah asks, "that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness, and hath no light?" What is your darkness? Is it poor health? Depression? Your job or your marriage disintegrating around you? Where are you in the dark and so desperate for light that you will do anything? God gives us our answer in this passage: "let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God." Then He warns us of the consequences of trying in desperation to create a little light for ourselves, rather than waiting in the dark for Him. "Behold, all ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand: ye shall lie down in sorrow." (Isa. 50.10-11)

I can no longer glibly view all these "tools" as gifts from the Lord for my use. They are starting to look dangerously like answers held up as a distraction from the One Answer that I need. "God hath made man upright: but they have sought out many inventions." (Ecc. 7.29) Man has become adept at seeking out inventions that will allow him to stand self-sufficient and apart from the One who created Him for a mutually fulfilling relationship with Himself.

By now my readers may have consigned me to the farm as a fanaticist or worse. "Oh," they say, "I see, so she's gone over to the _____ camp." You fill in the blank; there are many fanatical groups you could choose from. You will undoubtedly see me as someone who has backed herself into a corner by a misguidedly narrow interpretation of Scripture. I don't care. I am not writing this to bring converting light to others' errors, nor am I just parroting what many another has had to say on the subject of faith-healing. I am expressing, because I need to do so, what the Holy Spirit is saying to me through the Scriptures.

I don't know what exactly this means for me. I don't know if I will ever take another vitamin or herbal cleanse. I don't know if I will go to the chiropractor or not. I only know that I choose to bank all on God's Word and refuse to acknowledge by word or deed any answer that springs from another source. I am not binding myself to a new set of principles. I am not after a creed, I am after God Himself.

It is said of Moses, whom God "knew face to face" (Deut. 34.10), that when he died at 120 years old, "his eye was not dim, nor his natural force abated." (v. 7) Caleb points out to Joshua that he is as strong to take Canaan at age 85 as he was 45 years prior, when Moses first sent him to spy out the land. (Josh. 14.7-11) These two men are the only ones from that first generation of Israelites (if we take Joshua to be a half generation younger) to have served the Lord with all their hearts and with strong faith. That their physical bodies were so beautifully sustained seems to me not so much a miraculous aberration, but the natural outworkings of a heart so in tune with the Lord's presence in their lives. "...fear the Lord, and depart from evil. It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones." (Prov. 3.7-8)

"Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?" (I Cor. 3.16) It is His temple, His body. Can I suppose He will leave it to my paltry wisdom to care for? "Take no thought for your life... Consider the ravens... and God feedeth them: how much more are ye better than the fowls?" (Luke 12.22,24) "Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever enetereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man." (Mat. 15:17-18) Here Jesus makes it clear than I can leave what I eat, and the processing of it, to Him. My body is His temple, and I do not intend to fill it with nitrites; but if I must eat the nitrites, they cannot defile my body. It is the "many inventions" of my heart I need to beware.

That Jesus can heal is never in question. That He is always moved to compassion to heal everyone with faith to receive it I no longer doubt. "I will; be thou clean." (Mark 1.41) "Thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace." (Luke 8.48) What is of far greater importance is that He expects me to let Him heal me, fill me, be my all-in-all. "And hath put all things under his feet, and gave him to be the head over all things to the church, Which is his body, the fulness of him that filleth all in all." (Eph. 1.22-23)

"Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?... Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thy health shall spring forth speedily..." (Isa. 58.6-8) Can I, through any resource of my own, myself loose the bands of wickedness, or let the oppressed go free, etc.? Of course not. But it has been done for me! All that remains for me to do is identify myself with the work that has been done. "And I saw no temple therein: for the Lord God almighty and the Lamb are the temple of it." (Rev. 21.22) The Lamb Himself is the temple, yet I am the temple. (I Cor. 3.16) In order to be His temple, I have to be completely unified with the Lamb. If I am in union with the Lamb, and everything in his temple "doth... speak of his glory" (Psa. 29.9), I cannot be leprous and diseased! Any evidence to the contrary is a lie of the enemy.

There is plenty of evidence. Since first beginning to come to this stand, I have changed many things. I have stopped taking supplements and medications. I don't know that they are wrong; I just want to be very careful to wait on His direction. I have lightened up considerably in what we eat. I have dessert occasionally. I eat pizza with the boys. I no longer look at food as something that can heal or kill me. And to the natural eye, a progression of natural consequences has appeared. I have begun, ostensibly, to slip back into a lesser state of health. But I really can't be bothered with the apparent consequences, tough though some of them are to bear. I would rather step up to the microphone to sing at my brother-in-law's wedding covered in acne (and praise the Lord - gulp! - that my vanity is being crucified!) than risk settling for less than what He can give me.

"Whoa, there, Kit," I hear some of you say. "A little moderation, please." To which I say, "Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise." (I Cor. 3. 18) I am ready to be a fool for Christ.

Like Abraham, I "consider not" my body. (Rom. 4.19) The Greek word means "to perceive thoroughly (with the mind)." No matter how thorough an examination I make with my mind, I can only "see through a glass darkly." (I Cor. 13.12) I just don't have the full picture. Neither did Abraham, and rather than trust to his own resources, he was willing to believe that the limitations of his body were not the end of the matter. He stood upon God's Word of promise, not on circumstantial evidence, and it was counted unto him for righteousness. (Rom. 4.20-22)

"But unto you that fear my name shall the Sun of righteousness arise with healing in his wings; and ye shall go forth, and grow up as calves of the stall." (Mal. 4.2) The prerequisite for healing is that I fear His name. It is also implied that I need to stay under the shadow of those wings. If I do that, I shall grow up as a calf of the stall, well cared for, and "neither shall any plague come nigh [my] dwelling" (Psa. 91.1,9-10)

How to accomplish that is the question. And that is where I must be true to the light that I see in the Word. I choose, as I said, to bank all on God. How this will play out in my life remains to be seen. But let this article stand as my signed covenant before Him that I consider all my needs as having been met in abundant richness at Calvary. I will stake my life - quite literally, the quality of my daily life - on the claim that Jesus is sufficient for my physical needs. I will cast myself upon Him and walk softly before Him, lest in any way I deceive myself into looking unto other resources.

"Let us fall now into the hand of the Lord; for his mercies are great." (II Sam. 24.14)

Psalm 26
Judge me, O Lord; for I have walked in mine integrity: I have trusted also in the Lord; therefore I shall not slide. Examine me, O Lord, and prove me; try my reins and my heart. For thy lovingkindness is before mine eyes: and I have walked in thy truth. I have not sat with vain persons, neither will I go in with dissemblers. I have hated the congregation of evil doers; and will not sit with the wicked. I will wash mine hands in innocency: so will I compass thine altar, O Lord: That I may publish with the voice of thanksgiving, and tell of all they wondrous works. Lord, I have loved the habitation of thy house, and the place where thine honour dwelleth. Gather not my soul with sinners, nor my life with bloody men; In whose hands is mischief, and their right hand is full of bribes. But as for me, I will walk in mine integrity: redeem me, and be merciful unto me. My foot standeth in an even place: in the congregations will I bless the Lord.